The Behind House
Behind on laundry
Behind on clean
Behind on emptying that dishwashin’ thing
Behind on school
Behind on mail
Behind and crawling up just like a snail
Behind on diapers
Behind on wipes
Behind on behinds getting diapered and wiped
It’s great to know when I’m behind,
That You’re still there,
Right on time.
Bunyan Bit No. 8: Grace in Prayer
“The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God’” Psalm 14: 1. I used to be that fool. I am not that fool now, but sometimes I act like it. It has been a while since I posted some John Bunyan, but more comes below. God’s grace is so, so good, so sweet, so rich and fine. Go to Him with confidence today! Accept it!
The godly have found all other places, the throne of grace excepted, empty, and places that hold no water. They have been at mount Sinai for help, but could find nothing there but fire and darkness, but thunder and lightning, but earthquakes and trembling, and a voice of killing words.
They have sought for grace by their own performances; but, alas, they have yielded them nothing but wind and confusion; not a performance, not a duty, not an act in any part of religious worship, but they, looking upon it in the glass of the Lord, do find it specked and defective.
They have sought for grace by their resolutions, their vows, their purposes, and the like; but alas, they all do as the other, discover that they have been very imperfectly managed, and so are such as can by no means help them to grace.
They have gone to their tears, their sorrow, and repentance, if perhaps they might find some help there; but all has fled away like the early dew.
They have gone to God as the great Creator, and have beheld how wonderful his works have been; they have looked to the heavens above, to the earth beneath, and to all their ornaments; but neither have these, nor what is of them, yielded grace to those that had sensible want thereof.
They have gone with these pitchers to their fountains, and have returned empty and ashamed; they found no water, no river of water of life.
Paul, not finding it in the law, despairs to find it in any thing else below, but presently betakes himself to look for it where he had not yet found it: he looked for it by Jesus Christ, who is the
throne of grace, where he found it, and rejoiced in hope of the glory of God.O, when a God of grace is upon a throne of grace, and a poor sinner stands by and begs for grace, and that in the name of a gracious Christ, in and by the help of the Spirit of grace, can it be otherwise but such a sinner must obtain mercy and grace to help in
time of need?All the sorrow that is mixed with our Christianity proceeds, as the procuring cause, from ourselves, not from the throne of grace; for that is the place where our tears are wiped away, and also where we hang up our crutches: the streams thereof are pure and clear, not muddy nor frozen, but warm and delightful, and they make glad the city of God.
– The Riches of Bunyan
Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction and “Family Planning”
I like to plan. I really like to plan. I am more of a big-picture type of planner, however, and the details sometimes can get rather lost. I try to make my plans according to big “dreams,” values, my beliefs. Proverbs 19:21 states, “Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand.” The more I walk with Jesus I see how true this is.
Married With Children
One of the big plans of my life was to have a large family. I like to love. I like to be loved! I wanted a large family. Some people want a child so badly and haven’t been able to yet. Some have eighteen. I have four. That is pretty large to some I suppose, but it is rather small to us. I couldn’t believe it when I met a handsome, sweet, godly man in college who also wanted seven children. Well, here we are in 2009, blessed with our two girls and two boys, not even a decade into our marriage.
One of the things I did not plan was how quickly they would come. Critics love to jump on this kind of thing. One day I saw a lady in the church foyer, and when I told her I was expecting baby number two, she put on an forced plastic smile and bluntly said, “You know that is entirely too soon, don’t you?” Having the semi-sweet chocolate personality I do (I often wish I was mint or dark chocolate if you know what I mean), I just smiled and walked away, quietly and sarcastically stewing for a long time. I don’t remember a single thing about the worship that Sunday. I know, that was my fault, but really. Christians can be so rude.
Eric and I decided that year that we didn’t care any more about some people’s negativity or the obvious fact that some of them cherished the acquisition houses, cars, and electronics more than giving themselves away to God’s blessing of children, and we knew that we wanted the children we had and any more God would give us. Becoming pregnant with Meredith (#3) was truly a real shock to us. Criticism aside we embraced God’s plan for our lives and rejoiced in another blessing.
No Pain, No Gain
I was very sick with the first trimester of each pregnancy. I had fared pretty well, though, after the first two. Although I had a small frame, and the babies were large, I exercised regularly and by God’s grace had great deliveries. The third pregnancy, however, was entirely different. I was not really emotionally in the game until about month four (we had a tragic season in our family that Winter), then my husband changed jobs, we moved, and started a new life about six months. Stress. Next we changed midwives and planned for a homebirth. I really didn’t exercise at all and felt the ramifications.
I felt a numbing ache in my pelvis for the last several weeks, but I really pushed myself (overdid it) because we were in a new place with new activities, and I didn’t want to whine or miss out on anything. Three months after the birth I still had severe diastasis recti and seriously wondered if I would be able to carry any more babies without my stomach ripping. Whenever I ate a meal, I would look four months pregnant again until the next meal. I just never looked or felt the same after that.
Eric and I discussed this for a long time after Meredith’s first birthday, and we decided to see if God would bless us again with a fourth. I did not think my body would ever be truly better until I was really finished bearing children and could focus on re-strengthening, but I didn’t want to wait five or six years. Plus we absolutely love our children being so close in age and are so thankful for that. Our decision was made to pursue this in faith, and God again opened my womb! We were tremendously excited although we could sense a hint of contempt from the outside. That was okay with us.
Stopped
I knew going into it that it was going to be a long haul and throw up a lot at the beginning, and truly those were some dark days. I did not expect to be so stopped in my tracks at five months, however, by the manifestation of symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD). SPD apparently occurs for several reasons due to a combination of hormones, pressure, and misalignment of the pelvis. The symptoms can range from moderate pelvic pain to confinement to a wheelchair. I began to feel shooting pain through my hips to my knees, and on some days I felt like I had been bruised – like feeling hit with a hammer.
At about 29 weeks I could barely walk. I dreaded bedtime because I would need assistance to get in the bed and knew that it would literally take several minutes to go from a reclining position to standing. I begged my friends with swimming pools for play-dates because the pain would almost entirely cease when I was underwater. I cried so much and wondered if my children would remember these days. “I hate this!” I would scream. “I hate not being able to walk!” My midwife was wonderful, giving me resources, treatment, referrals, and I knew she had other clients with SPD but not as severe. I felt like a weird-o and incapable of being a mother to our kids.
Although it may seem I “brought this on myself,” SPD is not necessarily caused by multiple pregnancies or pregnancies in close proximity although these factors may cause symptoms in some women. I honestly believe mine was caused by the intensity of my hormones because I had other severe hormonal issues during this pregnancy. Just as quickly as I seemed to stop, however, the SPD stopped after delivery. I had read about this strange “magical” phenomenon, but I also read that for some women the symptoms of SPD could last for many months or years after birth. “Lord, please no!” I prayed. The recovery was pretty normal, and by the second week I had absolutely no pain in the area anymore!
One of the things that did help was chiropractic care for my SPD during the pregnancy. I had never been to a chiropractor, and honestly when I would leave the office after being “adjusted,” I did feel that the pain was more manageable. Those ligaments were stretched and softer, but in a few days, the pain would return. The chiro suggested I come back after the birth for x-ray and to see how I could be treated in the future for any back and pelvic issues, but I don’t want to do that for the rest of my life. If I am not hurting any more, I am not going to make myself go.
If you’ll be my bodyguard (doo doo doo doo)
Eric wanted children (and this child) just as much as I did, but it was difficult for him to helplessly watch me suffer. I am writing this because I did not even know what SPD was before 2008, and someone reading here might need to know this information. I never heard an OB-GYN mention this, and I am curious to know if any of my readers have. Perhaps I am wrong.
Still, SPD is a real and painful albeit temporary condition that can have marked effects on pregnant women and their families. More people need to know about it, ways it can be better endured, and perhaps most importantly live with the knowledge that they are not alone or playing mind games with themselves. It is real.
So you can call me Al. 
She smiles at the future
Shepherd is six months old, and I feel like a new woman. I am exercising every day, and my body is gaining strength. I like my body for the first time in years. Why would a small person not like her body? Well, plain and simple. I have always been happy with the healthy body God gave me on the outside (well, maybe there are a few places I’d like to add and subtract, but my mama always said to eat carrots and that didn’t work! ha ha). I became resentful when my body stopped working! Boy, was He preparing me for my fifties I guess! haha! Seriously He did use that to give me a refreshing empathy for the elderly and handicapped while I was suddenly in their shoes for a while. Anyway, I am excited about the future for many reasons. I also know that God has been so good to us in 1) blessing us with these children, and 2) giving us the wisdom and clarity for our own “family planning.”
I used to agree with literature that concluded that “planning” your family was playing God. I read other things along with my Bible, however, in the last five years, however, that taught me that God wants us to be humble and available to receive His plan, and at the same time we need to be wise stewards of our resources. One of the resources I never factored in was my own body, and that is one resource that is pretty well needed to take care of a family! We have to take one step at a time and walk by faith and not by sight. I have absolutely no qualms in declaring that we are finished bearing children. If God allows, we would love to partner with him in loving a child through adoption (probably local, domestic). For right now, though, we know that my body has finished its work in childbearing. This has been so freeing to us.
Thus I share our story of “family planning” to encourage other women who may be die-hards like me that it is okay (not only “okay” but wise!) to surrender to the messages God is giving when it is time to slow down or stop altogether. He is not a God of confusion but the God of grace! On the flip side I cheer you on if you are one of those women who know that God is not through with your family yet, and you quietly rejoice at the thought of becoming pregnant or pregnant again. Be confident that HE is Your God, and the other voices pale in comparison to the One who alone deserves your affection. This is my Father’s world! God reigns let the earth be glad!
365 Days of Green!
In a few weeks our family will celebrate the first anniversary of “Green Smoothies!” Woohooo!
I will always be thankful for the morning that Sara walked into my kitchen and handed me a cup and told me to go for it. Soon after all of us were addicted and celebrating the benefits of adding so much fruit and vegetable goodness to our lives. Green smoothies are awesome ways to pack that punch and feel great! If you haven’t tried them, go ahead and give it a whirl. Here are some good resources:
Sara’s Green Smoothie Challenge
Green Smoothie Info and Recipes
Waste Management
Recycling is much more exciting than regular ‘ole garbage, no? Lately I have been stumbling on so many ways to use what could be the trash but instead transforms into beautiful, fun, or decorative creations. I don’t have a problem recycling some things, but sometimes I get in a clutter rut with others and just have no clue what to do with them. Some of these ideas are just fun waiting to happen. Plus, I love tutorials with how-to photos in them! So great!
Clothes
I just stand back and laugh when I open my closet. Aaagh! What size am I? To be such an organized person, a stranger would never guess it by looking in my loch-ness-ish abyss of mismatched apparel. Maternity mediums are hanging right by the petites and all seasons are slapdashed together in one gigantic mess. I blame it on the fact that I never stay in one size for more than three months – no joke! The dresser is the same with its lasagna-like drawers of Summer/Winter outdated chaos, but I guess that’s besides the point.
This week we are doing inventory of all of the closets, and I suspect I will have the same dilemma that I do every year: I have no clue where to put all of this clothing! Maybe I’ll post some before/after photos because that’s just fun! Maybe I should repost this and title it “Waist Management,” then! (Sorry, sometimes I get in a really corny mood and can’t stop.)
Okay, so I love Goodwill, and I even started my own “garage sale” site via Facebook that has proved to be a huge blessing to me and some other people who can use the stuff that has past through our walls. Let’s just say, though, that I want to be a little less boring and re-use some of those fibers. These are some fun-tastic ideas I have seen online; maybe some of you crafty types can put them to use as well!
Duct Tape Dress Form
Now this is a great idea! Not only can you use an old tee for fitting the form, you can actually stuff the whole thing with shredded old clothes! That’s saving like $200+!
Beautiful Fabric Scrap Wreath
It’s not really clothing, but nonetheless it’s gorgeous!
Bags and Boxes
We usually recycle our boxes and cartons, but the tutorials below are some attractive ideas for reusing them, too. And who doesn’t have that mountain of plastic bags just waiting to be reused? Awesome!
For the Kids
I have so many photos that never seem to make it to their final destination. Sometimes I just let Lydia run around carrying them in the house because she loves photos so much. Something she and Steven have also started doing lately during “naptime” is sewing fabric scraps on heavy thread to make little animals. They like the sense of accomplishment, and I like the quiet. Here are some great ideas for kid-fun that I like of late.
Well, isn’t that fun?! Now for twenty extra hours to do all of it! Ha!
Sweet Sleep
Tonight I’m in a hotel room listening to my favorite guitarists (Ah, Mr. Keaggy…) ring through my headphones, checking email and reading up on the world, while some of the most beautiful children I know snooze around me in the darkness. My feet are propped up on the side of the bed as I rub my toes against each other. That’s a habit I’ve never been able to kick (pun intended) after doing it as long as I can remember. I love that feeling although it annoys my sister to no end! Still the sound of my socks brushing each other can’t possibly be as soothing as the symphony of breathing that resonates beyond the fluffy pillow nests and crisp white sheets that hold my dear ones in sweet sleep. It is the ostinato of innocence, the river of everything hidden within the beating hearts of children. I am the audience mesmerized in front-row awe.
Before you sigh and click on to the next blog, I’ll admit I’m musing here. Acoustic (as well as darkness) does that to me for some reason. But anyway I really do think there is a real encouragement to be found in all that my senses are taking in tonight. As my husband worships with hundreds of other pastors several rooms away and vehicles swirl in constant city commotion below my frost-kissed window, I find myself comforted at the reality of what I can hear but not see.
Unless the Lord builds the house,
those who build it labor in vain.
Unless the Lord watches over the city,
the watchman stays awake in vain.
It is in vain that you rise up early
and go late to rest,
eating the bread of anxious toil;
for he gives to his beloved sleep.Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
the fruit of the womb a reward.
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior
are the children of one’s youth.
Blessed is the man
who fills his quiver with them!
He shall not be put to shame
when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.
– Psalm 127
As each child takes half and quarter turns sharing the late evening air, I cherish the knowledge, understanding, and wisdom God gives to His children. I believe in His goodness, and I thank Him that sleep is a gift from His hand. Lord, You are good.
Sometimes we have to work hard to receive the gift of sleep (and train our children to do the same). Sometimes it’s a fight (cue pregnant women roaring sound)! Sometimes we have so much on our minds, or we literally have too much on our bodies that prevents us from true rest. God, however, desires that His children lie in total vulnerability, trusting that He will be Himself, above all, and we can surrender to Him the darkest night again into the bright morning. We give into the air and the handiwork of God, and He renews. And it is very Trinitarian. The melodic aromas exhaled from my children tonight remind me of this. Thank You, Holy Spirit, for your presence. Thank You, Father, for Your sweet gift of sleep. Thank You, Jesus, for purchasing this for me at the highest cost. To know You is better than anything.
There are many who say, “Who will show us some good?
Lift up the light of your face upon us, O Lord!”
You have put more joy in my heart
than they have when their grain and wine abound.In peace I will both lie down and sleep;
for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
– Psalm 4:6-8
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