A series of unfortunate events
I have been humbled, my dear friends.
I got lost on the way to a new friend’s house today, and I was pulled over FOR SPEEDING. (Sorry, I won’t ever yell again on my blog.) Do you know how angry I was? I was pretty angry. I just nodded at the officer when he handed me my ticket — didn’t even say a word to him. If you know me, that’s not like me at all; I can’t even see the mailman without striking up a short conversation.
Lesson and morale of the story: you may recall how God convicted me several months ago about speeding and how I resolved to change this part of my life to glorify God. Well, I will be honest and say I have kept my commitment. I had not gone over the speed limit, and today I blew it. I was late after I had been on the phone twice with her giving me directions and didn’t want to be the idiot who got lost, so when I saw I had made a wrong turn, I turned around and rushed back to the intersection just in time to get stopped. Aaaagh! I wanted to cry out to the officer and ask him, “Can you go to this web address? www.goodlikeamedicine.com? You can read about how I never speed there.”
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Back to what I was trying to get at earlier: what did I learn from this? Well, not much of anything for several hours. It pretty much ruined my day.
As I have sat and thought about it tonight, though, I realize God is again humbling me and breaking down my self-righteousness. I haven’t blogged about speeding since I made that commitment because I kept thinking, “I need to do that and talk about all the good things I’ve learned, like it makes my life so stress-free to slow down, like I stopped caring what people think about me on the road, like I feel good about obeying the law, like the funny thing is people who pass me end up right beside me anyway at the next red light!!!” Well, God had other plans, and He would rather me blog about the pride of all of that coming before a fall.
“It’s just a silly ticket, Kristi,” you say. “Get over it.”
It’s not the couple hundred dollars that bothers me. It’s the points that make my insurance go up, signifying that I am a consistently “unsafe” or “reckless” driver. It’s the fact that I really have been obeying and going the speed limit, and the day I go faster, I get caught. It’s that I’m so bothered by getting caught. It’s that I thought I had “arrived,” and somehow I was above messing up and getting caught. Why does that bother me so much? Especially after I had just posted about God’s sufficient grace this very morning? There’s a lot of lessons to be learned it that.
There Was No Skateboarding Today
Well, there was no skateboarding today. I can’t believe it, but I think it’s because Eric is home. Whenever he’s here, things are just peachy. You know what I’m talking about? haha
Here is the devotion thought I read this morning before scripture reading from Eric Liddell:
As you read these passages about the life of Jesus, note the way he treated people; how he was busy but not hurried; how he faced life’s problems but was not worried. His serenity showed that he was conscious of having sufficient power for every emergency. What was the secret? Am I like this? Why not? Can I become like this? Yes, his disciples did.
Really, I think God is just using this irritation as another part of making my character more like His. One of the traits, or fruits of the Spirit, that I definitely lack is patience! Have you ever thought about Galatians 5:22 and wondered if one fruit precedes the other, and the gain of Christlike character depends on an increasing measure of them in consecutive order? 
In that case, God is showing me that I am learning love, joy, and just need to rest in His peace.
I could be totally wrong about that – and probably am. Ha! But it’s neat to think about, isn’t it?
In other gigantic news: our Sweet Steve-o is potty-trained! Yahoo! I am not really sure if he was easier than Lydia to train because they both seemed to fair pretty well. Both of them just looked at me like “okay,” when I said, “We aren’t going to buy anymore diapers. Time to use the potty for real!” Steven has just been a star beaming around the house from all the praise, success, and affirmation. I have learned something new about him and am making mental notes to always let him know that I am proud of him and praise him for the little things that prove he is obeying and growing. He is extremely responsive to verbal affirmation!
Now, the next item on the agenda for him is HAIRCUT! Poor thing has a mama who can only handle one thing at a time! Hee Hee!
The Predictable 2 pm
I’m not writing this to complain – honestly – or to seek advice, or any other reason really other than this is my blog, and I like to be 100% honest, and well, there. (Now that I’m done I realize this is the longest post I have ever written. )
I am so happy with my schedule. I am probably too comfortable if truth be told, but I feel like God’s blessings and some hard work have gotten me to the point that I can say I am completely content with how our daily life at home runs. Someday I hope to post a little schedule “blueprint” sheet that I’ve made a couple and revised a couple of times in the last 2 years in case anyone who is entering “the life with little ones at home” would benefit from seeing something practical like that.
All of that to say I’m so happy, but maybe God is requiring more of me, as He often does with His children. I don’t know, and I’m not sure about it. But anyway, here is my struggle. Yes, it’s probably going to sound like petty whining, but it’s just hard. I don’t know what do about it.
I live in a cul-de-sac with sweet neighbors on both sides. There are teenagers in those homes, and I am always praying for opportunities to talk more to them about their lives, what they believe, and what they think God has to do with all of it. I have had a few great conversations with the girls, ages 14 and 15, but I haven’t seen much of any of them since I have been so sick and tired the last few months. I really do love my neighbors, and I feel humbled that God has put us here between them so providentially.
One of the neighbors is a boy who is about 13 or 14 years old. He is the sweetest thing. He often comes over to rake our leaves, cut the grass, and there have been a few times he has asked if he can help me with the kids, take a walk, etc. I trust him although I don’t know for sure if he believes Jesus is Lord of his life and how he makes decisions and what-not. He wears all black all the time, and he hangs out with other guys who wear all black all the time, but I see right through all of that to his tender heart. He is gracious and sweet, and our children love to see him.
There is this problem, though, that has seemed to escalate over the last few months, and is just so happens that it has coincided with my afternoon schedule getting more manageable and easier for me. Every afternoon at precisely 1:45 to 2:00 pm – somewhere in there – he gets on his skateboard and starts: RRrrollllCRASH! RRrollCRASH! Sometimes it gets quiet for a second and RRrollCRASH! And sometimes he rolls away to see a friend or take a ride, and it is quiet for a while.
I have been criticized by some people for keeping my house too quiet, but I stand by my preference. I love the ticking of the clock, the rustling of the wind outside, the peacefulness of afternoon naptime. My kids know that if they are awake, this is “quiet time.” Maybe I’m crazy, but I have trained them that for at least those 2-3 hours every day, our house is going to be quiet. We go so hard all morning, and Meredith doesn’t nap in the morning anymore, so after lunch and some reading it’s time for naps and quiet. It’s so nice, and that is when I get work done on the computer, read, or sleep. I don’t do any loud cooking or cleaning, and everyone has gotten used to it. But when the skateboarding starts, you can hear every little sound and the crashes sound like someone hammering on our front door! Meredith always wakes up, and most of the time she doesn’t go back to sleep. I’m not a tyrant. If she doesn’t nap, she doesn’t nap; no problem, except that from 4 to 7 pm, it is a terrible situation to console her while cooking and doing whatever else I’m doing, even when Eric is home. What am I going to do?
One day (remember this, Emily?!) I walked outside (okay, I stormed and huffed and puffed) in my t-shirt, nasty hair, and bright pink plaid pajama pants (RUN FOR THE HILLS!) and said, “Please stop. Every time you hit the driveway Meredith wakes up and starts crying and screaming. I need to get a little sleep, or I’m going to fall apart!” And with the rudeness equal to an elevator shutting in your face I raced back inside my front door. Eric was pretty mad at me that day. It got better for about a week, but then it started again. I don’t want to be rude, but I don’t think he goes to school most of the week because sometimes it starts around 12:30; I just want to yell out the window, “Shouldn’t you be in school?!!!”
OKay, I could go on and on and so prove that I am a mean, hormonal pregnant woman, but I am hungry and will go and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead. I don’t know how to end such rants, except maybe: Feel free to regret that you ever clicked on my blog today.
Humility = True Joy
Lately God is testing and stretching me, causing me to long for more humility. I am learning more about this through my failures and trials, which is making me study it more. It is a marvelous wonder how God does not leave His children but is always revealing more of Himself to them. I think it is wonderful that I can say, “I am growing! Thank you, God! I am not where I was yesterday.” I am excited for heaven because there we have the hope of seeing more and more of God’s glory and our sight never being clouded by selfishness and pride.
Humility of Mind
The profound concept for me to grasp is this: understanding my rightful place before my Creator and Lord takes place within my mind. The realization that life’s meaning, success, and my joy come from outside of myself is a truly mind-altering epiphany. Suddenly my affections and attention are turned elsewhere and up to the Designer of my faith. This holy fear is the beginning of wisdom, and God promises to give it to me over and over as I beg for more humility.
Humility silences God’s competitors.
I am camping out today in chapter six of John Piper’s book Future Grace in which he discusses “Faith in Future Grace vs. Pride.” I love how Dr. Piper communicates the strength of rightfully placed humility here. Before he does this, however, he mentions the great competitors of God: “wisdom, might, and riches,” which “[tempt] us to take satisfaction in ourselves — our intelligence, our strength, our material resources. Each one lures us away from trusting God as the superior satisfaction above them all” (88). Yes, these battles that occur in my heart are raging in these very areas. Reading this chapter turns on a lightbulb within me and helps me to understand that the real blade that stabs my heart begins in my mind. It is when I drift off into the thought patterns of self-righteousness that my heart is wounded and weakened against the sins of pride, anger, bitterness, and lust for unholy affections. Prideful behavior doesn’t “just happen.” It begins in the mind.
The Poison of Intelligence and Dislocated Humility
It is often the most intelligent people that boastfully reject God and His rule in their lives. For that reason many Christians equate intelligence with pride. I can certainly say I have been one of these Christians and seen my folly in making these assumptions.
I sometimes wrongly perceive humility as doubtfulness, which is silly because the very cause of true humility is the assurance in the sovereignty of God. Piper reminds Christians that God is not in favor of ignorance and irrationality. We are to be thinking Christians, using our maturing minds to worship God and long after His truth. It is not wrong to have “intellectual conviction.” According to G.K.Chesterton,
What we suffer from…is humility in the wrong place. Modesty has moved from the organ of ambition. Modesty has settled upon the organ of conviction; where it was never meant to be. A man was meant to be doubtful about himself, but undoubting about the truth; this has been exactly reversed. Nowadays the part of a man that a man does assert is exactly the part he ought not to assert – himself. The part he doubts is exactly the part he ought not to doubt – the Divine Reason” (Orthodoxy pg. 31).
Yes, this is the precise point at which I find myself losing battles all the time! I forget that my confidence should be in the truth, not myself. I long for more of Christlikeness in my mind, and the joyful heart and humble behavior will follow in dutiful step.
So it is With Wisdom
This humility of mind which recognizes every breath and gift coming down from God resounds through the whole Christian’s being. This fear of the Lord in humility is truly the beginning of wisdom. The almost laughable thing about it for me is I feel like I’m a kicker. Every day I’m dropping back five more yards, and the goal seems unreachable. I know, though, that gradually I am learning the most important lesson of humility that God desires for all of His children.
If you are like me, you may have a point in which you wonder what the ultimate point of God’s love is and why our humility towards God should be the most desired goal for us. If I’m going to seek humility more than any virtue, I want to know why I should (notice the pride there)! Doesn’t God love people? Isn’t telling us to love Him more than anything kind of selfish or egocentric of God? I think this response is a good place to start with questions like those.
To go back to my slow process of learning, what helps is realizing that humility wins in my heart when my mind is set in its proper place. I can choose to set my mind on God or something else. I can decide what kind of thoughts about God I am going to foster in my mind. I can put God’s Word into my mind from the get go each day, or I can let my own natural thoughts take root. I can look at others in light of the grace God extends to me, or I can expect something impossible in my arrogance. I know what happens with the latter because I have been there too much lately. Lord, God, please give me humility of mind!
Every time we look at the cross Christ seems to be saying to us, “I am here because of you. It is your sin I am bearing, your curse I am suffering, your debt I am paying, your death I am dying.” Nothing in history or in the universe cuts us down to size like the cross. All of us have inflated views of ourselves, especially in self-righteousness, until we have visited a place called Calvary. It is there, at the foot of the cross that we shrink to our true size. (John Stott, Galatians, pg 167)
Toothpaste Tears
I just finished crying real, stinging tears. You know, the kind that feel like you have a hot tube of toothpaste being squeezed through your eyes? (Well, maybe not. I just came up with that right now on the spot, so bear with me.) You get what I’m saying, though. It’s the kind of sobbing that hurts and ranks right up there with the worst kind. Sorry for all the drama. I just feel like the worst mother.
Today was really hard. The whole week has been hard frankly. I won’t go into all the details, but it has been one of those weeks that makes me feel like our kids are teaming up to see who can wear us out first. On top of rounds of sickness were numerous battles and attitude problems all around (and within), and our dining room wall now boasts a rather large, impressionist mural (“de Sharpie Marker”) mastered by my older two children. Yes, we will have to repaint. There have been crazy things like 30+ shreds of wet paper found in the sheets, a new toilet paper roll thrown right into the toilet bowl, and “innocent” “wrestling” with their 11-month sick sister. I just didn’t know if I could take much more tonight when I asked Lydia to bring me Steven’s pj shorts from downstairs and she disappeared with Steven for at least 10 minutes. Finally I came downstairs and found them getting into more trouble, and I just let them have it. I scolded them and got so angry and told them to go right upstairs and they were going straight to bed. When I tucked Lydia into her bed, she kept wanting to pray, and honestly I didn’t want to. I was still mad about the whole day and how testy and disobedient they had been. I’m always begging God to give me the wisdom to discern between childishness and foolishness, and I was sure all I saw today was foolishness. After I left her room I wrapped a few things up to prepare for our trip tomorrow and walked back downstairs, still murmuring.
I stopped on the carpet. On the couch there were several little stacks of folded towels, underwear, and the socks lined up with their mates. She had even attempted to fold a few of Eric’s shirts. I had not even asked her to do it, and my three year-old daughter had been folding the laundry for me. I’m still crying right now thinking about it. God held up a huge sign to me reading, “Wake up! Stop complaining and look right in front of your nose at how much you are BLESSED.”
I hate writing posts like this because they’re humiliating, but I am sure from past experience that there is someone reading this who is going through a hard time and battling contentment and sinning in the wake. Let me come with you, brother or sister, and put my arm around you. We are most blessed who know Christ! We only need to look around and see the ways that God is tenderly loving us every day.
In the morning I will ask forgiveness of my Lydia, but I’m sure with her childlike heart, she will offer no pause and throw her arms around me in wholesome joy, just like God.
Repentance
I got home tonight from spending the last few days with my husband at a retreat for church staff and wives, and I always love being around those great people. Our older two children stayed overnight with some friends of ours, and I can’t wait to share some pictures they took. They had a great time.
This morning during our meeting we discussed the true humility that comes with a heart of repentance. We talked about how important it is for Christians to regularly be in accountable fellowship with other believers and confess sin and walk in humilty with others along the path of grace and forgiveness of God through Jesus. Our senior pastor asked these two questions, and I thought I could ask them to my blog readers and see what answers you have.
1) How do you have repentance and humility in your life – what does that look like?
2) What prevents you / what does it look like to be drifting away from a habit of repentance?
This discussion made me look deeply into some personal sins in my own heart and called me into a sober recognition of how dangerous our sins are, especially when they are downplayed or ignored. I called my closest friend right away and asked her to pray for me as I followed James 5′s urging for us to confess our sins to each other. I got off the phone and realized how grateful I am to have someone who is serious enough to hear all the ugly, embarrassing parts and commits to pray and love me despite my slow progress in sanctification. It is right, refreshing, and fruitful for us to deal with our sins in an attitude of humilty as we walk before God and walk with others. Best of all, God promises his faithfulness and kindness as he deals with us in our waywardness. Praise be to Jesus Christ!
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